Christian psychologist and therapist Wayne E. Oates wrote, “Two tuning forks that are alike will pick up each other’s vibrations. Persons are prone to imitate people they like. Therefore, change can be created in another person by stimulating the desire to be like you.” (The Psychology of Religion. Word Books, 1973, p. 157). In 1973 Oates uttered this “true” statement from the standpoint of the emotional and the evident frameworks (direct observation) of psychology. Today the neurosciences can make this same statement. But more and more, their frame of reference is the biological and the scientific.

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I receive an e-mail from a church staff member about that perennial problem: the pushy parent. It comes in all forms. Parents want allowances or exceptions for their “special” child, their “superior” child, or their “tender” child. They want the child advanced a grade, put in the “smart” class, held back a grade, or, put into the same group with their “special little friends.” Once, when I was a school principle a parent insisted on us putting her twin daughters in the same class all through grade school—and, requested that they always sit next to each other. There was no thought about encouraging individuation on the part of that mom!

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I’ve had a string of conversations recently with supervisors related to troubling staff. Few things seem as frustrating as working with underfunctioning or incompetent staff persons. Ironically, the overwhelming feeling by supervisors is one of powerlessness in the face of ineptitude. Other common dilemmas that get supervisors stuck are: the trap of needing to be liked, wanting to be seen as “fair” and “understanding,” and the fear of making a tough decision that will affect another’s life.

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I received a cryptic e-mail from a friend recently. She’s less than a year into a new church staff position. In her e-mail she asked the question, “Can you stop sabotage?” She didn’t go into details, but obviously, something’s going on (for one thing, it looks like the honeymoon period’s over!). I think it’s just as well that she didn’t get into specifics. Overfocusing on particulars of personalities, culture, and context runs the risk of moving too quickly into “strategy” (or, a my son likes to put it, “strategery”) and overlooking emotional process dynamics.

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I just learned that my friend Susannah Smith will soon have her website blog up and running. I’m looking forward to her blog. Currently she sends out a monthly reflection via email titled “Inspirited Leadership: A monthly reflection for religious/spiritual leaders.” I find her reflections consistently insightful. Here is her August reflection titled “The Skunk at the Garden Party.”

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In yesterday’s blog entry we shared the first three common misundertandings of Bowen Family Systems Theory (BSFST). Here is Part 2 of yesterday’s “Systems Misunderstanding.”

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Few things escape the consequences of their own success. This axiom seems true even of Bowen Family Systems Theory. It seems that systems theory is now the “in” thing—never have there been as many courses offered, or more “experts” expounding on the matter. And a sure sign of its popularity is the rate of books being turned out that claim to have a “systems approach to” something or other. This is, overall, a good thing. The more the theory is propagated, the better, I say. But one consequence of the theory’s lightning fast dissemination is the risk of misunderstandings—like in a global game of that old parlor game, “telegraph.” What goes in one ear at one end may come out as something completely different at the other—the message lost in translation as it is passed from one person to another.

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Every once in a while I get a request for a basic reading list for studying Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST). The good news is that I find I need to update that basic list as more good resources become available. Here is the current book list I pass along to persons who ask for it.

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Most of us carry a little tape in our heads of things our mothers said repeatedly. And sometimes we repeat those things, often unintentionally mimicking mom’s voice. One of those things your mother probably said, especially if you had siblings, or, when little friends came over to play was, “Play fair!” But you likely remember what your mother also said on those occasions you protested “It’s not fair!” She likely quipped, as countless mothers have through the ages, “Life’s not fair.” (And, if your mother was like mine, she may have added, “Get over it.”).

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A reader on Margaret Marcuson’s blog, The Leadership Circle blog, asked a good question that comes up every now and again. He asked about the difference between having a will and willfulness. It’s a point of misunderstanding I hear now and again, namely, that having a will is equivalent to willfulness, or, that because “willfulness is bad” then “will,” or exhibiting that one has a will, is bad.

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