Every so often, we need to be challenged with the question, “Do you want to be liked, or do you want to be effective?” In one sense, it is a false choice—sometimes, we can have it both ways. Still, leaders often have to choose along those lines. An anxious leader whose primary concern is to be liked, affirmed, or appreciated will find their effectiveness compromised. Here are five signs of an anxious leader.
1. Focuses on people’s personal needs over the needs of the system. Unpopular but effective leaders will always seek the welfare of the system as a whole over meeting the needs of individuals within it. Anxious leaders, however, keep their radar up and stay highly attuned to people’s needs, feelings, convenience, and predilections. They focus on meeting those above all else. It’s the only way to keep everyone happy, right?
2. Structures working relationships around triangles. When dealing with people, they maintain a triangulated pattern of relationship by always asking about, and talking about, someone’s family or an issue. This dissipates anxiety by focusing on things other than a direct relationship with others. People will feel better knowing they will never be called upon to make “I” statements or have to deal with your position on issues. Talking about others is an effective way to manage anxiety.
3. Build cohesiveness in the system by blaming “others out there.” If you focus on “them” you can avoid making persons in your system feel like failures because you’ll never require that they take responsibility for themselves. If something goes wrong, blame “them.” If goals aren’t met, blame “them.” In fact, you can squash any ambitious idea, save time and energy, and avoid potential failure by declaring that “they” will cause the plan to fail. This also cultivates a victim mentality, which is helpful to a manipulative leader.
4. Take responsibility for people’s functioning and for their feelings. There is nothing that will make you a more popular leader than taking responsibility for people’s feelings. Take the blame, or, allow excuses for the underfunctioners and irresponsible, and under-performers in the system. After all, “the buck” stops with you, right, and who can do it better than you? Effective leaders will only take responsibility for their own functioning and their own position in the system, but they forget that everyone loves a leader who “feels your pain.”
5. Finally, popular leaders will work hard at creating a sense of “family” or oneness in the system by getting everyone to think alike, value the same things, share the same opinions and behave the same. Effective leaders, however, work at fostering personal responsibility and discouraging “group think” or “herding.” Working in a system full of mature, self-directed, differentiated individuals who have the capacity to express their own ideas and opinions has its challenges, but ultimately, it’s more fulfilling to lead in such an environment.
Sometimes leaders need to decide whether they want to be liked or whether they want to be effective. Being a likeable leader isn’t too difficult, and everyone likes a “nice guy.” Being an effective leader is not always easy. But effective leaders are clear about what constitutes true leadership and they have accepted that there’s often a price to pay when one answers that calling.
RESOURCES:
The Virtuous Leader: Ancient and Modern Wisdom. Lessons from the Stoics and Bowen Systems, (Didache Press)
60 Leadership Concepts: Practical Wisdom for Adaptive Leadership in Anxious Times, (Didache Press)
Leadership Pitfalls: The Most Common Leadership Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them (Didache Press)
Leadership in Ministry: Bowen Theory in the Congregational Context (Didache Press)
Reframing Ministry Leadership: New Insights from a Systems Theory Perspective (Didache Press)
Perspectives on Congregational Leadership: Applying Systems Thinking for Effective Leadership (Didache Press)
The Hidden Lives of Congregations (Alban)
When a Pastor is Fired: Addressing the Silent Epidemic of Clergy Forced Terminations (Didache Press)
A Family Genogram Workbook (Educational Consultants)
101 Systems Theory Quotes: One Hundred and One Quotes on BFST for the Novice and the Curious (Didache Press)
