At the back of the sanctuary, after the final hymn, the minister stood by the doors doing what they always did on a Sunday morning: smiling, shaking hands, offering a quick word of blessing. A longtime parishioner approached with a tight jaw and eyes that would not meet the minister’s. The minister reached out warmly and said, “Good to see you. I’m glad you’re here today.” Without warning, the parishioner’s voice rose. “Glad I’m here? After what you pulled?” The words came sharp and hot, as if the minister had already been arguing for hours, and the minister felt the jolt of it land in the chest.
For a split second, the minister’s mind scrambled to find the reference. There was no memory to match the accusation, no clue to hang onto, only the sudden heat in the air and the impulse to defend. Instead of leaping into explanations, the minister took a slow breath, steadied their tone, and said quietly, “I can hear how upset you are, and I don’t want to dismiss that. I’m not sure what you’re referring to, but I do want to understand. Can we talk for a few minutes somewhere calmer?” The parishioner’s shoulders stayed tense, but the volume dropped. The minister did not make it personal, did not try to win an argument they did not yet understand, and simply held the moment without feeding the fire.
Leaders often get caught off guard by reactivity. That’s no surprise given that reactivity often feels like a dose of intense raw emotion. That kind of energy goes right to the amygdala, triggering reactivity on the part of the recipient, resulting in a “fight or flight” impulse. A sudden assault of intense reactivity can turn off our rational brain, leaving us with an inability to tap into the resource of cognition—thinking through the problem.
An important skill, therefore, is to learn to recognize reactivity for what it is. The ability to distinguish between reactivity and passion, for example, can help us know how to respond to a person in the grips of emoting. It can be helpful to remember four basic characteristics of reactivity:
- It is not rational; it is an emotional response
- It is fueled by acute anxiety
- It is a response of the non-differentiated
- It is usually displaced or a product of projection.
Reactivity is not rational. Since reactivity is a non-thinking state of being, leaders can appreciate that trying to “reason” with a reactive person is a waste of time. Setting the emotional tone through self-regulation is a more helpful strategy than trying to compose an eloquent argument.
Reactivity is the product of acute anxiety. Acute anxiety is intense but situational and momentary. Leaders should remember that a reactive response during a time of acute anxiety is episodic and has a short lifespan. Therefore, sometimes, just getting past the moment in a non-reactive posture often facilitates better functioning for all.
Reactivity is the result of a lack of differentiation. Differentiation is not a state of being, it is, rather, a way of functioning in the moment. Reactivity is a sure sign that someone is not functioning in a self-differentiated manner. Therefore, a leader who can avoid feeding off reactivity and functions in a self-differentiated manner in-the-moment becomes a resource to the system, if not to the person in the grips of reactivity.
Reactivity typically is misdirected at the wrong object. Because leaders occupy the position of greatest responsibility in the system they often are the focus of misdirected and misplaced reactivity. Leaders who have the capacity to remember and accept that “This is not about me” can avoid taking it personally or making the expressions, messages, and behaviors of reactivity a personal issue.
