We continue the series on basic concepts in Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST). Today’s question:How does our family of origin influence how we function in triangles?
We acquire our patterns of functioning in relationships, assumptions about people, and our repertoire for handing anxiety in the patterns, and relationship triangles, in our family of origin. Those patterns tend to be with us forever.
Our greatest challenges related to triangles have to do with changing the patterned behaviors we learned in our family of origins—outgrowing some, adopting new ones, reinterpreting our experiences of the triangulating dynamics, etc. This is easier said than done. We can all admit how some of the patterns of our family of origin, including triangles, get replicated automatically in our own established families—with spouses, children, even with children-in-laws. What parent, upon hearing what has come out of their mouth after an altercation with a child, not found themselves crying, “Oh, my Heavens! I’ve turned into my father/mother!”
From, Perspectives on Congregational Leadership: Applying Systems Theory for Effective Leadership, by Israel Galindo. See the new Perspectives on Congregational Leadership blog site.
I will agree with your statement – “Our greatest challenges related to triangles have to do with changing the patterned behaviors we learned in our family of origins—outgrowing some, adopting new ones, reinterpreting our experiences of the triangulating dynamics, etc.”
How a particular triangle in one generation has brought about a change in values and thinking in ONE member in that triangle is a result of how the other 2 members in that particular triangle were influenced in their triangle relationships from the past generation. In turn, we keep passing their behaviors to the next generation through our triangle/s.
Questions: If i am a members who is trying to chance to create balance in one triangle, then I am also trying to create imbalance in other triangle through my behavior, right?
In a marriage triangle, the wife and husband’s individual values and thinking are shaped by their triangle patterns. According to your myths of triangles, there will be conflicts or issues that can’t be solved just by changing the behavior in one triangle (even if the conflict is solved in one triangle, the same issues gives rise to imbalance in another triangle/s, right?
Speaking from personal experience, you don’t need kids to say “I’ve turned into my parents!”
Talking to a college friend who was having a rough patch in his marriage and I explained that odds are he was repeating his parents marriage and he didn’t realize it. Speaking with his sister confirmed that theory since she was older and knew more about the parents marriage.