In yesterday’s blog entry we shared the first three common misundertandings of Bowen Family Systems Theory (BSFST). Here is Part 2 of yesterday’s “Systems Misunderstanding.”
Self-definition is the same as Self-differentiation. This is a big one. Self-definition is merely the act of stating what you believe about yourself or about an issue. While that is important to do it is not equivalent to self-differentiation, which is qualitatively different. A bigot can self-define his position about a class of people—but self-differentiation allows the freedom and dignity of the other without feeling threatened or denying the other the right to define self also.
Talking to another person is equivalent to “staying connected.” BFST is about emotional process. Talking to another person is not equivalent to functioning. Staying connected with another person in the system means making an emotional connection. That requires a form of communication that is deeper, reciprocal, and affective than merely giving orders, stating an opinion, or airing our feelings.
Systems is about getting out of triangles. Whether we like it or not, we are always in triangles. And if you are in the leadership position, you likely are in some emotional or structural triangles that span a couple of generations. BFST is about discerning what kind of triangles we are in (healthy or dysfunctional; relational or anxiety driven; overfunctioning or reciprocal), and being able to choose how we will function in the triangles we are in.
The leader’s job is to lower systemic anxiety. Yeah, good luck with that. Besides, a savvy and playful leader knows when to allow the anxiety in the system to climb in order to facilitate emotional process or to help foster a more responsible functioning on the part of those who need to own the anxiety that belongs to them.
Like any comprehensive theory, Bowen Family Systems theory is complex and elegant. Its nuance can be lost and the finer points misunderstood if one is not disciplined in revisiting the fundamentals of the theory. Accuracy is a value worth holding on to for any practitioner who depends on an informing theory for effective functioning.
Share other misundertandings or misapplications of the theory that you have encountered.
The above abbreviated material is from a presentation at a Leadership In Ministry workshop and a feature in the LIM newsletter.
I have heard that Bowen Family Systems theory is about making ‘I’ statements and improving communication
through “I” statements. I believe that some “I” statements are really ‘you’ statements and come out of, not
a principled stance, but as a way to try to get another person to behave in a certain way. I have seen
an example of this in the statement: “I feel hurt when you distance yourself from me.’
I have also heard that people believe that Bowen Family Systems Theory is negative. One of the reasons
for this is because it looks at history and considers the history of a congregation and a family, instead
of just starting fresh with today and walking into the future. I think this is a misunderstanding of the whole
of the theory because certainly BFST does not stay, or revel in the problems and sins of the past, but it also does
not whitewash over history. I compare this to people’s life narrative. I believe that the most healthy people are
those who have an awareness of and have integrated the whole of the narrative of their life. When people
disregard whole parts of their life story, they appear to have a much more difficult time, generally,
dealing with life.