No one has ever accused me of being “sensitive.” Most of the time I come off as “aloof,” and the spouse one of my hospice patients, no doubt expecting more empathy or sympathy to his plight (never mind the patient’s) than I could muster, described me as a “cold fish.” I took no offense.
Like any personal defining characteristic, “being sensitive” can be both a blessing and a curse. Certainly I’ve found this to be true of many pastors and their continuing struggle to balance being “pastoral” but also “leaders” and “effective” at the same time.
Adele McDowell shares her thoughts on “Is being sensitive a blessing of a curse?” As for myself, the best I can say is that continual work on my “emotional intelligence” has helped me at least to appreciate other people’s sensitivity. But I’m not ready to “share your pain” yet. I’m more than willing to let you own your own pain. However, if you ever feel you need a kick in the pants to get you back on track or going in the right direction, I’m your guy.
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“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” William James
When I was first exposed to family systems in the mid-1990s, esp. through groups such as Leadership in Ministry, I struggled for years in trying to reconcile my "perceived" understanding of Jesus’ ministry and the lack of compassion I found in systems theory (that is, systems theory gave me a new paradigm for “helping” and it collided with the ways I had been taught before and functioned at that time. I was so reactive I almost gave up on the whole family systems stuff. Yet, something in me was continually drawn to systems. I still find myself on occasion carrying other’s pain, which really gives someone else more power in my life than they deserve. Maybe I now have a clearer understanding of Jesus’ compassion. The whole sin-pain-forgiveness-redemption-consequences relationship is in the "mystery" category more than before, perhaps. Some days, when my head is in the right place, I am more able to be present with people, not be insensitive, and walk away without carrying their pain. I don’t spend a lot of time trying to find out if they think I’m being insensitive. And, if they come back for another conversation, we converse. And if they don’t, there is always someone else wanting to take their place in line.
Yes, the perceived lack of “compassion” and “empathy”—being “pastoral”—in systems theory is a challenge to many whose frame of references about what it means to “help” or what it is that people need from leaders and helpers (to be kind, tolerant, patient, accepting, “helpful,” sympathetic, “nice”, etc.). It’s not that systems theory denigrates those quality, it just says that ultimately, they miss the point and are not effective in addressing emotional process related to helping us, or others, function better.
But I also suspect that the challenge for many who first encounter the different perspective that systems theory offers, namely, focusing on one’s own self, values, principles, and functioning—the place they go to is thinking, “But if I start doing that, people won’t like me anymore.”
Here are some quotes from Friedman’s newly released <i>A Failure of Nerve:</i>
Leaders need to “…focus first on their own integrity and on the nature of their own presence rather than through techniques for manipulating or motivating others.” (p. 13). (And I think that includes trying to help people “feel better” about themselves.).
“A leader must separate his or her own emotional being from that of his or her followers while still remaining connected.” (p. 18).
One major problem related to leadership is, “…an orientation toward <i>empathy</i> rather than responsibility, with a focus on weakness rather than strength and on ways to avoid personal responsibility.” (p. 24)
“…what all destructive forces share in common is unregulated invasiveness—a characteristic that is totally unresponsive to empathy…” (p. 25)
“…concepts such as “role modeling,” “emulation,” and “identification” are illusions that unnecessarily stress leaders . . . and tending to work only with those who are not the problem in the first place.” (p. 26).
He says that one of the fallacies today is “Empathy: that feeling for others helps them mature or become more responsible…” (p. 49).