<<…I was just wondering if I could ask you a question about multigenerational patterns in one’s life. Do you think once someone has some understanding of such patterns that they can then begin the process of maybe changing themselves in relation to these patters. I think I have such patterns as they relate to interpersonal relationships, and seeking out distant emotionally unavailable women in my life and a pattern of going back to the comfort of such patterns. …>>
Rick, yes, I think that much of the value of working on our family-of-origin and on our personal growth (working toward individuation, our maturity, working at being more self-differentiated, etc.) is that we are better able to change our ways of relating and interrelating, with others, and the patterns associated with it.
This is not to say it’s easy or that change happens overnight. I like to remind people that in addition to the emotional patterns our family of origin imprinted in us (often the result of multigenerational transmission) that, “cognition does not trump biology.” What I mean by that is that so much of our emotional functioning is related to our biology: our gender, our bodies, our brain, that in times of high-anxiety, especially, we have difficulty functioning in ways that “we know better” than to do.
Regardless of our desire to believe otherwise, most of us are driven more by our emotions than by our rationality, and our emotions are a product of our biology. For example, the brain’s “Job 1” is survival, physical and then existential. The amygdale is the first and only organ in the brain to be fully developed at birth, and is the only organ in the brain that is not connected to the cortex—that part of our brain that processes cognition. This walnut-sized organ at the base of our brain (just behind the eyeballs) stores memories associated with emotional events (fear, anger, threat (fight/flight), etc.). That means that as infants we experience emotions fully (anger, fear, anxiety, stress, comfort, etc.). But because the amygdale is not directly connected to the parts of our brain that process cognition, when we’re anxious we have great difficulty connecting feeling and thinking, or reflecting on what we are experiencing (which is a good thing, really. If we come across a hungry wild animal in the forest we want our amygdale to induce panic, get the adrenalin going and startle us into flight, rather than allow our frontal lobe to become enchanted with the aesthetic beauty of the animal and pause in contemplative admiration).
I’m always impressed at how acute anxiety quickly short-circuits our capacity to “cerebrate.” And for some people, the anxiety does not have to be that acute—it doesn’t take much to turn off the rational part of their brain and set them into reactivity! I encountered someone a couple of weeks ago who called me very upset about a situation she was having at her work. Her concerns and thoughts were so disconnected from the reality of the situation (the facts) as to be irrational—but her emotions were in full throttle. As I just listened and let her vent a fascinating thing happened. It did not take long before she stopped talking about the “presenting problem” that had triggered her reactivity and started talking about her family of origin (what her parents did to her, in particular) and the problems she was having with her husband. For her, when the acute anxiety she was experiencing triggered those old familiar feelings imprinted in her amygdale, her frontal lobe disconnected and she was not able to work off of the “facts” but only off of emotions. Through the process of “talking through her feelings” she was able to connect her rational brain (frontal lobe) with her emotive brain (limbic system).
Working at breaking those emotional patterns takes a lot of work and often takes a long time. We do love our own pain, and our neuroses of choice can feel comfortable. Just because something is unhealthy for us—including relationships—does not mean that they inhibit a passable pragmatic level of functioning. It will inhibit maturity in the long run, but it may help us get through the day in the short run. For example, an alcoholic in a mind-numbing job often can function better with a constant low-level buzz than if he or she stops drinking. It gets the person through the day, but it certainly will not facilitate personal growth or a capacity to take control of his or her life.
One way to break these emotional patterns is, first, to become aware of them and name them, understanding their source, and then, when we experience them work to intentionally “go the other way” in our response or functioning. This is not easy, of course, because we’re fighting the impulsive emotion all the way, and as we do, it likely increases our anxiety and discomfort. But part of we’re doing here is establishing new emotional patterns of response to situations. Because establishing new patterns requires repetition this requires us to intentionally put ourselves into, or moving toward, situations and relationships that feel uncomfortable for us.
<%image(20070316-IG207bw75a.jpg|75|78|It's St. Patrick's Day. Have a Guinnes and recite "Come Gather Round Me, Ye Parnellites!" )%>
“Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.”
