Critical?

Someone asked me, “How do you know when you are being critical and when you are pointing out errors?” When I asked her to clarify what she was asking she thought for a moment and said, “I’m wondering about how I can tell when I’m being critical or disparaging and when I am raising valid issues?”

My first response was to be impressed that she asked the question related to herself—most people ask those kinds of questions about other people. I don’t think there’s an inconsistency between criticism (being critical) and pointing out errors. That is, I don’t think there’s a necessary choice between one over the other. If you’re pointing out errors you are engaging in criticism. But I don’t think that’s what this person was asking. She was concerned about “criticizing,” which may be a form of pursuit or a willful gesture, both of which are forms of reactivity. In other words, she was struggling to discern the difference between content and emotional process.

There is a difference between willful criticism and challenge. The latter is intended to facilitate change through choice on the part of another; the former is intended to bring about change in others WE want for our benefit or predilection.

I think the first point is to remember one of the fundamental “rules”: never question motives. None of us has enough insight into self to understand what our motives for doing things are. So asking the question, “Why am I criticizing”? or, “Why is that person so critical?” ultimately is not that helpful, in large part because it focuses on the individual and ascribes motive (which is a form of mind reading). Second, I think we need get over being stuck about the notion that “being critical” is a bad thing. Being critical means you’re at least thinking and are practicing discernment.

I think what we need to look at is our level of reactivity when we engage in criticism, and the emotional functioning that informs the behavior. If we’re being disparaging, then we’re probably being reactive. If the criticism we are offering is a way of discounting or dismissing another person, then it’s reactivity. If the “voice” of criticism directed at someone is too much of an echo of our parents’ critical voice, we’re probably being reactive. That’s a triangle—we are relating to another person via the critical voice of our over-critical parent. In other words, it may be a case of “That’s your mother talking.”

Can you take a learning stance in your tendency toward criticism? Ask:

• What does that behavior mean? Is it pursuit? Is it distancing?
• What are the consequences of when I offer criticism? Do I invite dialogue or shut off communication?
• Is this a non-thinking default response on my part?
• Are you critical of everything or just a selected number of “issues”?
• Is there a different way to communicate what I desire?
• Does my criticism not seem (feel) “right” to me? If I were on the receiving end of it, how would it feel like to me?

Can you take the observer role as a way to not ascribe motive?

• “I notice that when our church does X, they also do Y.”
• “I notice that our pastor has a tendency to X. I wonder if he does that intentionally or if he’s unaware?”
• “I wonder if we can’t do this a different way?”
• “Can you think of a different approach to doing that?”

Can you get clear about what it is that’s bothering you about the thing in question? Is your criticism a result of over-focusing on others rather than paying attention to what you need to work on?
Can you articulate the rationale, theology, or value behind your criticism? (Hint: if you cannot, then you’re probably acting out of reactivity).

How well can you take a challenging stance. When you share your thoughts and observations and questions, can you do it as a challenge to others to think critically about and issue–without any expectation that you are right or that THEY need to change, or insisting on the WAY they need to change?

Finally, can you communicate using “I” statements as opposed to “you,” “they” or “he/she” statements. Remember that when you are reactive, whatever’s bothering you is likely more about YOU than it is about them.

“Decency must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep.” –Quentin Crisp