The myth of confidentiality and the binding triangle

During a recent consultation I tried to help a minister work through some stuckness. He was stuck in what I call a “binding triangle” as a result of falling into the trap of the myth of confidentiality. A church member had come to the pastor to share some information. As typically happens, the reporting church member prefaced her comment with “Please keep this confidential.” To which the minister, falling into the trap of the myth of confidentiality, agreed.

What followed is that the church member (A) shared with the minister something that she heard church member (B) say about the minister. Hearing this, the minister knew enough to think, “Well, (B) should have come and talked to me about that.” But church member (A) ended the conversation by saying, “Please don’t tell (B) I told you. I don’t want him upset with me.”

So now the pastor is in a bind. “How do I go tell (B) what (A) told me without revealing where I got the information? I don’t want to ‘break confidence’ with (A). Feeling stuck, the pastor asked:

• What do I do with this information?
• Do I go talk to B?
• Do I tell B what A told me?
• What do I say if B asks me where I heard this?
• Did B really say that? Or is this something A misheard?
• Do I do nothing?
• Why is A telling me this?

I worked at helping the pastor unpack this classic triangulation scenario. When I asked, “Where are the triangles in this?” the pastor was able to identify the triangle between himself, church member (A) and church member (B). We unpacked that triangle for a while (the concept of emotional triangles was new to the pastor, so it was one of those teaching moments).

One insight we worked on was this: What a person (A) shares with you about someone else (B) says more about that person’s (A’s) relationship with you (C) than about the other person (B). It’s a triangle that often comes about because A is trying to get “emotionally connected” with you but for whatever reason cannot do well. So (A) will triangulate (B) as a way to move closer to you. Or, it could be that (A) is having trouble relating to (B) and has triangulated you in on that relationship—a situation that has nothing to do with you other than the fact that you were convenient and available for the job.

Then I pointed out the other interlocking triangle, the one that put him in the bind. That triangle had to do with member (A), the pastor (C) and the trap of the myth of confidentiality (D). The myth of confidentiality is an oversimplified and naïve notion about what “confidentiality” entails. To help the pastor get a perspective on this trap I shared my own principle on the issue of confidentiality, which is simply, “I don’t keep confidences.”

The look on his face was indication enough that the comment was challenging some assumptions he carried.

“What do you mean?” he asked, with a wide-eyed look.

I explained it meant just what I said. I don’t keep “confidences.” I said that, first of all, I’m just not smart enough to remember everything I’m supposed to keep to myself or am free to share with others related to all the conversations I have. But more to the point, the issue is about the nature of the relationship with the person I’m speaking with. Now, I’ve announced and published this stance long enough that most people who come to me with an issue know about it. Often their opening remark is, “I hear you don’t keep confidences.” When I confirm that’s true, they sometimes ask me to explain.

I tell them that when someone asks me to “keep this confidential” usually they’re about to talk to me about someone else. That puts me in a triangle. To agree to “confidentiality” is to put myself in the bind of being powerless to do anything with the information they are sharing about another person. The result is that I’m left holding their anxiety without being able to approach the third person about the issue.

I follow up by saying that if what he or she wants to share with me is personal and related to him or her only, I likely will keep it to myself. But the issue at heart is about our relationship, and the question is, “Do you trust me enough to believe that I’ll be responsible with the information you share?” If not, then they probably should not share it with me nor try to “bind” me with a request for confidentiality.

In all the years I’ve done that, not one person has walked away saying, “Well, never mind, then,” or failed to go ahead and share what they had come to say. And, ninety-nine percent of the time what they have to share involves another person. Which means that I’m being triangulated into the relationship between two other people. About ninety percent of the time the most appropriate response on my part turns out to be, “Sounds to me like you need to talk to that other person about this. Have you?”

While this idea of not keeping confidences remained a challenge to the pastor, he did get clarity about how his stuckness was the result of a triangle. And, he decided to be playful about handling the situation as a way to get out of the triangle. He decided to go back to (A), share his insight about how her message got him “stuck,” and to say that he just wanted to let her know that he would be talking to B to try to determine what was going on with him and see if there was something he needed to address. Talk about shifting the triangle! He would give back to (A) the anxiety she’d dumped on him, and he’d try to work on his relationship with (B) directly, rather than through (A). It’s always nice when you have a student who’s a quick study!

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.” –Steven Wright