The concept of the self-differentiated leader is attractive. And those who work toward being a self-differentiated leader strive toward a high goal. But while the concept is relatively easy to define, it’s easier said than done when it comes to living it out as a reality.
First, the concept of self-differentiated leadership consists of several interrelated components, each of which is its own challenge. I use the term components rather than “qualities” to help emphasize that self-differentiation is a product of one’s functioning in relationship relative to one’s position in the system. It is not, as often assumed, a state of being one achieves. Here is a characteristic list of those components:
- Having and keeping boundaries; knowing where one ends and others begin
- A lifelong process of growing in capacity to become yourself in relationship to others
- Maintaining self-regulation: being non-reactive in the face of reactivity and in the midst of anxiety
- Charting one’s own course, setting one’s own standards
- Having the capacity to take a stand
- Having the capacity to say “I” (individuality, taking personal responsibility) when others insist on “we” (herding, enmeshment)
- Taking responsibility for oneself and for one’s position rather than for others’.
It is worth repeating that those are not personal “characteristics” or “qualities,” rather, they are ways of functioning in relationship.
Second, as if working on those interrelated components is not hard enough, functioning in a self-differentiated manner always involves doing so in relationship with others. I suspect that one of the most puzzling things to encounter is the paradox that when the leader self-differentiates, two things happen: (1) it solicits the capacity for self-differentiation in some, and, (2) it solicits reactivity in others.
The first response is hopeful and gratifying. While we are warned that the second will happen, we are often caught short by the level of reactivity solicited by the leader’s stance toward self-differentiation from those who don’t understanding it, or, can’t handle it. But if there’s any comfort, at least the leader can anticipate the forms the reactivity will take: sabotage, resistance, personal attacks, or seduction. While the forms are predictable one important skill for the leader is learning how to recognize them for what they are. That, too, is easier said than done.
From, Perspectives on Congregational Leadership: Applying Systems Theory for Effective Leadership, by Israel Galindo. Check out the Perspectives on Congregational Leadership blog.
