A reader on Margaret Marcuson’s blog, The Leadership Circle blog, asked a good question that comes up every now and again. He asked about the difference between having a will and willfulness. It’s a point of misunderstanding I hear now and again, namely, that having a will is equivalent to willfulness, or, that because “willfulness is bad” then “will,” or exhibiting that one has a will, is bad.
The first misunderstanding is that Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST) ascribes value labels like “good” and “bad.” BFST, like any valid theory, is focused on describing phenomenon.
Having a will is akin to what we mean by “will power.” It is the capacity of conscious choice and determinate action. Will is what allows us to have agency. Will facilitates self-definition and self-differentiation by a determination to action by choice. When challenges come, will is what allows us to keep going in the face of sabotage and resistance. To use Edwin Friedman’s illustration, will is what made it possible for Columbus to press on in his voyage of discovery in the face of tremendous sabotage. When all voices around him demanded that his ships turn back, he remained focused on his vision and purpose.
Willfulness, on the other hand, is a form of ego-overfunctioning and self-idolatry, in which we seek to make others’ in our own image. Persons who are willful tend to be invasive and lack a respect for boundaries. They are prone to disobedience and exhibit a lack of discipline. They tend to be characterized by fractiousness, unruliness, invasiveness, contrariness, intractability, perverseness, obstinacy, and petulance. Obviously, willfulness is not pretty. Willfulness is a wearisome characteristic of any three-year-old who has discovered the capacity to say “No!” But in adults, especially those in a position of power or influence, willfulness can be very harmful and toxic to relationships and systems.
Willfulness is one interpretation of what constitutes The Unpardonable Sin: refusing to see, or believe, in spite of the evidence. In other words, choosing to remain blind. The frustrating element here, especially for leaders, is that the willful are not amenable to being educated. Because willfulness is a product of the affect (the emotions) trying to reason with it tends to be fruitless.
