We continue the series on basic concepts in Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST). Today’s question: What suggestions do you have for pastoral leaders for seeing triangles more clearly? What about how they manage themselves in the inevitable triangles?
Assume that whenever you are speaking with someone in your congregation you are in a triangle. That just comes by virtue of your position in the system. As pastor and leader in the system, that’s a given. Nothing is ever about “just” you and the person. Most of our congregational member relate to us primarily on the basis on our position or role in the congregation: “pastor,” “rabbi,” “priest.” Few will ever relate to us on a personal individual level.
Memorize the seven laws of emotional triangles found in Friedman’s Generation to Generation, and work at being able to recognize the dynamics when you see them.
Learn to discern how you personally experience triangles—some experience them through feelings, others more cerebral. Feeling-oriented persons may experience triangles as “feeling trapped,” or, conversely, as flattering seduction. The cerebral types may experience a triangle as becoming confused, for example. If you can learn to become aware of your own manner of reacting to triangles you can identify early when you are in one.
If you find yourself stuck trying to figure out what is going on, then take out a pencil and paper and diagram. Diagramming moves you into your cerebral cortex and allows you to gain perspective by separating thinking from feeling. When you diagram you’ll be able to identify the triangles, their nature, and the dynamics at play.
From, Perspectives on Congregational Leadership: Applying Systems Theory for Effective Leadership, by Israel Galindo. See the new Perspectives on Congregational Leadership blog site.
Pay attention to your intuitive experience, whether that is a feeling, a physiological symptom, something familiar that says to you that you are falling into a familiar pattern in a triangle and you might want to take a breath and give yourself a little bit of time to get some distance and be thoughtful about what you are doing. Before you say something, call someone, invite others in on pieces of information, and there is some ‘intensity’ about what you are doing, give some space and time, if possible, before you do, cal, say or invite.
Grea suggestion and strategy, Rebecca. Thanks.