Yesterday someone asked me what I meant when I said I �don�t question people�s motives.�
I find that engaging in questioning (or second-guessing) the motives people have for doing things is a fruitless exercise. First of all, the cause of why people do things, especially in times of anxiety, rarely has rationality to it, therefore has no “reason” to it.
Second, most people, especially when they are anxious, are oblivious to the cause for their actions and reactivity–they themselves are unaware of their motives or of �why� they are behaving as they are.
Third, I myself don’t have enough insight into myself to be aware enough about why I do so many stupid things. (Which is why it�s unfair to ever ask a child, �Why did you do that?!� The kid�s just going to look at you and say �How the heck should I know?� The question just leaves the child feeling confused and guilty).
Fourth, if they did it for a wrong motive, then they were mistaken or misinformed. So the more helpful posture is to help people address their mistake, not their motive.
Fifth, it’s more helpful therefore to observe people’s FUNCTIONING. That tells you more about what’s really going on than trying to do mind reading about people’s motives. People in pain or in the grips of anxiety do not function out of rationality or principles–they function at the lower end of the functional spectrum: reactivity. There’s no “motive” there. By the same token, it�s always more helpful to observe how people function than it is to hear what they say.
This is not to say that people should not be held responsible for their actions. It merely means that it�s more helpful to deal with what people actually DO than with what they intended or not (motive). We do this when we are able to get past the plead of �I didn�t mean it.� We are able to say, �Regardless of what you meant, this is what you did, and it has consequences.� Ascribing motives to people�s actions means we�ve elevated ourselves to the place of an all-knowing being who has full knowledge of the causes and drives that feed how people respond to situations or to anxiety or pain.
“Always try to do things in chronological order. It’s less confusing that way.”
