Cop-at-the-door (contest)

When we were young my siblings and I would often receive a warning from our mom whenever we ventured from home. With a somber voice and a straight face (but not without a twinkle in her eye) she would admonish us, “Don’t let me see your picture in the paper!” It was a stay against the angst of parents worldwide that their children would go astray in the worst way—but, worse still, that their veering from the path of righteousness and light would be of a public nature thereby causing the anguish of embarrassment for the parents. Offspring are prone to be inconsiderate in that way, at times, it is well known—especially if they are adolescents.

While I’ve never gotten my picture in the paper (though I have been quoted a couple of times) I am one of those parents of teenagers who experienced that dreaded scenario: the cop-at-the-door asking, “Are you the parent of [fill in the name of your child here]?” Over the course of the past three weeks I’ve had conversations with dismayed parents of teenagers who have endured that experience. I suppose what’s worse than seeing your kid’s picture in the paper (for all the wrong reasons) is having your kid’s photo on a mug shot with an intake number under his now less-than-innocent looking face.

Believe me that I can understand the angst these parents feel about the whole incident. The cop-at-the-door is just the beginning of a process of uncertainty, powerlessness, anger, remorse and fear. All made worse by parents’ inability to control their imagination from running away and envisioning the worst of all possible outcomes. However, two dynamics seem to come to the top for parents in such a situation. The first is the parental instinct to protect our children. The second is the plight of embarrassment, or potential embarrassment.

Too High A Price to Pay

As to the latter, I always say that embarrassment is too high a price to pay in any case. Putting it on the top of our list of things to worry about merely gets us stuck and inhibits responsible steps toward growth and effectiveness. Really, do you actually believe that people who are interested in the misfortunes of others for the sake of having something to talk about, or as a means of feeling superior in some manner, really care all that much about your well-being?

The first is an issue that is tough on parents, but potentially of greater consequence if not handled well. If there’s a default response to the cop-at-the-door scenario it’s reactivity. In nearly every circumstance like this I see the same reaction. Parents want to minimize the impact and consequences of their child’s problem. Parents may at first be very angry with their teenager, but this emotion is soon overtaken by an intense desire to fix the situation. One reason parents react this way is the belief that an arrest and criminal conviction could follow and haunt their child, complicating or preventing access to certain schools, jobs or other life opportunities. In other words, their child’s future will be much more difficult. It may seem counterintuitive to our impulse, but it is not the job of parents to remove difficulty from their child’s experience, nor the consequences of poor choices. However, it is the job of parents to help their children face up to and learn from their mistakes and failures. The arrest of a teenager will seriously challenge a parent’s resolve and ability to do this but it is one of the best opportunities to allow appropriate consequences to occur while working with the child toward responsibility. If parents are able to do this they will be giving their teens a valuable life gift.

No Excuses

I have often heard parents in this situation say to me that their teenager was “just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Other parents have said to me things such as (repeating their teenager’s explanation) “He didn’t know his friend had marijuana in his car.” Pointing to the perceived greater guilt of others is an exercise in minimizing personal responsibility. It also is an attempt to justify parental “fix-it” behavior. Don’t go there. Your teen doesn’t need any excuse to de-focus from his or her actions no matter where your teenager, or you, thinks they fall on the bad behavior continuum. The issue is the behavior and choices of your teen, not that of others.

It has been my experience that juvenile courts are not out to punish teenagers beyond repair. What the juvenile courts work toward is to help steer teenagers away from risky and inappropriate behavior that could eventually escalate and lead to an irrevocable outcome. However, this is difficult if not impossible without the help of parents. If the attitude of parents is to beat the system, rather than work within the system, the long-term costs can be substantial. Such important values as “always doing the right thing” and “taking responsibility for your actions” will get lost in favor of keeping the pathway to “getting ahead” open, no matter the price.

Bail is not an issue in most juvenile arrests, but a short stay in detention often is. Any vision of juvenile detention centers as dirty, unhealthy and dangerous places is erroneous. They may not be very fun, but they are clean and safe with very strict supervision. Spending time in juvenile detention can be an enlightening experience for a teenager. Loss of freedom is the hard lesson in detention centers (which is why things such as televisions, video games, telephones and contact with friends are not available). In addition, schoolwork continues with mandatory attendance at classes held during the week. Detention gives teenagers the opportunity to contemplate the reasons for landing in this nifty resort—which, if you think about it, is what you want anyway (“Sit there and think about what you did!”) but likely wouldn’t be able to get your child to do at home.

Should I Get A Lawyer?

Many parents hire attorneys for their teens but this is expensive and unnecessary. It also keeps the parents in “fix-it” mode rather than allowing their teens to assume full responsibility for their situation. Court-appointed attorneys do an excellent job representing juvenile defendants and your teen is entitled to one if he so chooses. This is a good decision for your teen to make independently. The court-appointed attorneys, along with the prosecutors and judges in juvenile courts, have seen it all and are very good at arriving at appropriate consequences within the limits of legal guidelines. Second chances are almost always given in the form of reduced charges, community service and stricter curfews, with a chance to clear the record if all these requirements are properly satisfied. Juvenile court judges are adept at constructing these second chance penalties with stern caveats that the original, more severe punishments, await those who make the mistake of repeating behavior that brought them into the court system in the first place.

It is very important for parents not to treat a first-time offense by their teen as an anomaly. The phrase “Surely this won’t happen again” is often a false hope. The best way to ensure a repeat offense doesn’t happen is to treat the first transgression as seriously as you would a second or third and let your teenager feel the full weight and consequences of their choices from the start. Remember, it is rarely the one-time event that shapes a destiny, rather, it is the patterned ways of relating and behaving that does.

————

Some of the above material is exerted from Ten Best Parenting Ways To Ruin Your Teenager, by Israel Galindo and Don Reagan. The book is available through Amazon.com. Multiple copies discounts are available through Educational Consultants.

CONTEST: Can you identify the teenager in the mug shot? The first person to correctly identify the person in the mug shot gets a free copy of 10 Best Parenting Ways To Ruin Your Teenager by Galindo and Reagan.