For ministers, and aspiring ministers, who embrace that part of their calling involves service to others, self-denial, and self-sacrifice, investing in self-care can be a challenge. Whatever its source, feelings of obligation, guilt, or shame; or a lacking sense of boundaries, clergy seem prone to a high risk of burnout related to a lack of self care. There’s no denying that ministry is complex, and therefore, endlessly busy, but those clergy and staff who fail to practice self care fail themselves and their congregations.
The matter is made worse by the common overfuntioning-underfunctioning reciprocity in the relationship between congregations and their staff. Congregations are all too willing, indeed some expect, their pastors and staff to be the overfunctioning partner in the relationship. And too many pastors and staff are willing to accept the arrangement.
I find that a common point of stuckness for many clergy and staff, especially young or new ones, is the uneasy senses that self-care is equivalent to selfishness. Author Parker Palmer provides a corrective to that notion:
“Self care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do so not only for ourselves but for the many others whose lives we touch.” (Let Your Life Speak p. 30).
Clergy and staff need to accept that acts of self-care will often be perceived as selfish, or even irresponsibility, on the part of many. For some of those, no amount of rationale or education will convince them otherwise. At those times self-definition rather than apologetics seems to me to be the appropriate stance.
For example, stating, “I am committed to taking care of my mental, spiritual, and physical health for my benefit, for the welfare of my family, and as part of the stewardship of my ministry,” is more helpful than “I work very hard at my ministry, sometimes working long hours for the benefit of others. I deserve a break and the church should support my efforts at self care.”
I had two interesting exchanges recently with members of the church:
1. The wife of a retired minister and she left me a couple of messages on my church voice mail on the days that I had “off”. I don’t check my voice mail when I am off and she was so surprised about that. I found out later that her husband in his ministry worked almost every day and returned calls. She assumed I did too.
2. I try not to check my church email on Mondays (my day off during the week) and I received a couple of emails from someone. She was shocked that I didn’t reply back on that day. I explained that I don’t check my email on Mondays and he response was “oh – you really take the day off”
At the same time however, I do find it hard to define “self care” for my own regard. I responded to a hospital visit while on vacation. I will do work while at home in the evening. Where I can’t seem to find the balance is feeling like I have to immediately respond to a call, request, etc…because I feel it is my responsibility to respond to the people when they are in need. Or, I immediately apologize when someone feels “neglected” or “hurt” and I assume responsibility there as well as put the guilt on myself for making him/her feel like that.
Where is that balance and boundary defined? Me it sounds like.