At the back of the sanctuary, after the final hymn, the minister stood by the doors doing what they always did on a Sunday morning: smiling, shaking hands, offering a quick word of blessing. A longtime parishioner approached with a tight jaw and eyes that would not meet the minister\u2019s. The minister reached out warmly and said, \u201cGood to see you. I\u2019m glad you\u2019re here today.\u201d Without warning, the parishioner\u2019s voice rose. \u201cGlad I\u2019m here? After what you pulled?\u201d The words came sharp and hot, as if the minister had already been arguing for hours, and the minister felt the jolt of it land in the chest. <\/p>\n
For a split second, the minister\u2019s mind scrambled to find the reference. There was no memory to match the accusation, no clue to hang onto, only the sudden heat in the air and the impulse to defend. Instead of leaping into explanations, the minister took a slow breath, steadied their tone, and said quietly, \u201cI can hear how upset you are, and I don\u2019t want to dismiss that. I\u2019m not sure what you\u2019re referring to, but I do want to understand. Can we talk for a few minutes somewhere calmer?\u201d The parishioner\u2019s shoulders stayed tense, but the volume dropped. The minister did not make it personal, did not try to win an argument they did not yet understand, and simply held the moment without feeding the fire.<\/p>\n
Leaders often get caught off guard by reactivity. That\u2019s no surprise given that reactivity often feels like a dose of intense raw emotion. That kind of energy goes right to the\u00a0amygdala, triggering reactivity on the part of the recipient, resulting in a \u201cfight or flight\u201d impulse. A sudden assault of intense reactivity can turn off our rational brain, leaving us with an inability to tap into the resource of cognition\u2014thinking through the problem.<\/p>\n
An important skill, therefore, is to learn to recognize reactivity for what it is. The ability to distinguish between reactivity and passion, for example, can help us know how to respond to a person in the grips of emoting. It can be helpful to remember four basic characteristics of reactivity:<\/p>\n
Reactivity is not rational.\u00a0Since reactivity is a non-thinking state of being, leaders can appreciate that trying to \u201creason\u201d with a reactive person is a waste of time. Setting the emotional tone through self-regulation is a more helpful strategy than trying to compose an eloquent argument.<\/p>\n
Reactivity is the product of acute anxiety.\u00a0Acute anxiety is intense but situational and momentary. Leaders should remember that a reactive response during a time of acute anxiety is episodic and has a short lifespan. Therefore, sometimes, just getting past the moment in a non-reactive posture often facilitates better functioning for all.<\/p>\n
Reactivity is the result of a lack of differentiation.\u00a0Differentiation is not a state of being, it is, rather, a way of functioning in the moment. Reactivity is a sure sign that someone is not functioning in a self-differentiated manner. Therefore, a leader who can avoid feeding off reactivity and functions in a self-differentiated manner in-the-moment becomes a resource to the system, if not to the person in the grips of reactivity.<\/p>\n
Reactivity typically is misdirected at the wrong object.\u00a0Because leaders occupy the position of greatest responsibility in the system they often are the focus of misdirected and misplaced reactivity. Leaders who have the capacity to remember and accept that \u201cThis is not about me\u201d can avoid taking it personally or making the expressions, messages, and behaviors of reactivity a personal issue.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Reactivity typically is misdirected at the wrong object.\u00a0Because leaders occupy the position of greatest responsibility in the system they often are the focus of misdirected and misplaced reactivity. Leaders who have the capacity to remember and accept that \u201cThis is not about me\u201d can avoid taking it personally or making the expressions, messages, and behaviors of reactivity a personal issue. Continue reading