{"id":191,"date":"2007-05-04T00:42:54","date_gmt":"2007-05-04T04:42:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/archives\/191"},"modified":"2007-06-19T09:47:31","modified_gmt":"2007-06-19T13:47:31","slug":"critical","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/archives\/191","title":{"rendered":"Critical?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Someone asked me, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How do you know when you are being critical and when you are pointing out errors?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d When I asked her to clarify what she was asking she thought for a moment and said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m wondering about how I can tell when I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m being critical or disparaging and when I am raising valid issues?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n<p>My first response was to be impressed that she asked the question related to herself\u00e2\u20ac\u201dmost people ask those kinds of questions about <i>other<\/i> people. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s an inconsistency between criticism (being critical) and pointing out errors. That is, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a necessary choice between one over the other. If you&#8217;re pointing out errors you are engaging in criticism. But I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what this person was asking. She was concerned about \u00e2\u20ac\u0153criticizing,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d which may be a form of pursuit or a willful gesture, both of which are forms of reactivity. In other words, she was struggling to discern the difference between content and emotional process. <!--more--><\/p>\n<p>There is a difference between willful criticism and challenge. The latter is intended to facilitate change through choice on the part of another; the former is intended to bring about change in others WE want for our benefit or predilection.<\/p>\n<p>I think the first point is to remember one of the fundamental \u00e2\u20ac\u0153rules\u00e2\u20ac\u009d: never question motives. None of us has enough insight into self to understand what our motives for doing things are. So asking the question, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why am I criticizing\u00e2\u20ac\u009d? or, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Why is that person so critical?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d ultimately is not that helpful, in large part because it focuses on the individual and ascribes motive (which is a form of mind reading). Second, I think we need get over being stuck about the notion that &#8220;being critical&#8221; is a bad thing. Being critical means you&#8217;re at least thinking and are practicing discernment.  <\/p>\n<p>I think what we need to look at is our level of reactivity when we engage in criticism, and the emotional functioning that informs the behavior. If we&#8217;re being disparaging, then we&#8217;re probably being reactive. If the criticism we are offering is a way of discounting or dismissing another person, then it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s reactivity. If the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153voice\u00e2\u20ac\u009d of criticism directed at someone is too much of an echo of our parents\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 critical voice, we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re probably being reactive. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a triangle\u00e2\u20ac\u201dwe are relating to another person via the critical voice of our over-critical parent. In other words, it may be a case of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s your mother talking.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/p>\n<p>Can you take a learning stance in your tendency toward criticism? Ask: <\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>What does that behavior mean? Is it pursuit? Is it distancing?<\/li>\n<li>What are the consequences of when I offer criticism? Do I invite dialogue or shut off communication?<\/li>\n<li>Is this a non-thinking default response on my part? <\/li>\n<li>Are you critical of everything or just a selected number of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153issues\u00e2\u20ac\u009d?<\/li>\n<li>Is there a different way to communicate what I desire? <\/li>\n<li>Does my criticism not seem (feel) \u00e2\u20ac\u0153right\u00e2\u20ac\u009d to me? If I were on the receiving end of it, how would it feel like to me?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Can you take the observer role as a way to not ascribe motive? <\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>&#8220;I notice that when our church does X, they also do Y.&#8221; <\/li>\n<li>&#8220;I notice that our pastor has a tendency to X. I wonder if he does that intentionally or if he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s unaware?&#8221; <\/li>\n<li>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153I wonder if we can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do this a different way?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<li>\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Can you think of a different approach to doing that?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Can you get clear about what it is that&#8217;s bothering you about the thing in question? Is your criticism a result of over-focusing on others rather than paying attention to what you need to work on?<br \/>\nCan you articulate the rationale, theology, or value behind your criticism? (Hint: if you cannot, then you&#8217;re probably acting out of reactivity). <\/p>\n<p>How well can you take a challenging stance. When you share your thoughts and observations and questions, can you do it as a challenge to others to think critically about and issue&#8211;without any expectation that you are right or that THEY need to change, or insisting on the WAY they need to change?<\/p>\n<p>Finally, can you communicate using &#8220;I&#8221; statements as opposed to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153you,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d &#8220;they&#8221; or &#8220;he\/she&#8221; statements. Remember that when you are reactive, whatever&#8217;s bothering you is likely more about YOU than it is about them. <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.galindoconsultants.com\"><img src='http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2007\/05\/oraetlabora4.png' alt='oraetlabora4.png' \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Decency must be an even more exhausting state to maintain than its opposite. Those who succeed seem to need a stupefying amount of sleep.&#8221; &#8211;Quentin Crisp <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Someone asked me, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153How do you know when you are being critical and when you are pointing out errors?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d When I asked her to clarify what she was asking she thought for a moment and said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m wondering about how &hellip; <a href=\"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/archives\/191\">Continue reading <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-191","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/191","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=191"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/191\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=191"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=191"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/grace-ed.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=191"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}