I worked at helping the pastor unpack this classic triangulation scenario. When I asked, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Where are the triangles in this?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the pastor was able to identify the triangle between himself, church member (A) and church member (B). We unpacked that triangle for a while (the concept of emotional triangles was new to the pastor, so it was one of those teaching moments). <\/p>\n
One insight we worked on was this: What a person (A) shares with you about someone else (B) says more about that person\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s (A\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s) relationship with you (C) than about the other person (B). It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a triangle that often comes about because A is trying to get \u00e2\u20ac\u0153emotionally connected\u00e2\u20ac\u009d with you but for whatever reason cannot do well. So (A) will triangulate (B) as a way to move closer to you. Or, it could be that (A) is having trouble relating to (B) and has triangulated you in on that relationship\u00e2\u20ac\u201da situation that has nothing to do with you other than the fact that you were convenient and available for the job. <\/p>\n
Then I pointed out the other interlocking triangle, the one that put him in the bind. That triangle had to do with member (A), the pastor (C) and the trap of the myth of confidentiality (D). The myth of confidentiality is an oversimplified and na\u00c3\u00afve notion about what \u00e2\u20ac\u0153confidentiality\u00e2\u20ac\u009d entails. To help the pastor get a perspective on this trap I shared my own principle on the issue of confidentiality, which is simply, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t keep confidences.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/p>\n
The look on his face was indication enough that the comment was challenging some assumptions he carried.<\/p>\n
\u00e2\u20ac\u0153What do you mean?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d he asked, with a wide-eyed look.<\/p>\n
I explained it meant just what I said. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t keep \u00e2\u20ac\u0153confidences.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I said that, first of all, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just not smart enough to remember everything I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m supposed to keep to myself or am free to share with others related to all the conversations I have. But more to the point, the issue is about the nature of the relationship with the person I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m speaking with. Now, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve announced and published this stance long enough that most people who come to me with an issue know about it. Often their opening remark is, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153I hear you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t keep confidences.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d When I confirm that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s true, they sometimes ask me to explain.<\/p>\n
I tell them that when someone asks me to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153keep this confidential\u00e2\u20ac\u009d usually they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re about to talk to me about someone else. That puts me in a triangle. To agree to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153confidentiality\u00e2\u20ac\u009d is to put myself in the bind of being powerless to do anything with the information they are sharing about another person. The result is that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m left holding their anxiety without being able to approach the third person about the issue. <\/p>\n
I follow up by saying that if what he or she wants to share with me is personal and related to him or her only, I likely will keep it to myself. But the issue at heart is about our relationship, and the question is, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Do you trust me enough to believe that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be responsible with the information you share?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If not, then they probably should not share it with me nor try to \u00e2\u20ac\u0153bind\u00e2\u20ac\u009d me with a request for confidentiality. <\/p>\n
In all the years I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve done that, not one person has walked away saying, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Well, never mind, then,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or failed to go ahead and share what they had come to say. And, ninety-nine percent of the time what they have to share involves another person. Which means that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m being triangulated into the relationship between two other people. About ninety percent of the time the most appropriate response on my part turns out to be, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Sounds to me like you need to talk to that other person about this. Have you?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d <\/p>\n
While this idea of not keeping confidences remained a challenge to the pastor, he did get clarity about how his stuckness was the result of a triangle. And, he decided to be playful about handling the situation as a way to get out of the triangle. He decided to go back to (A), share his insight about how her message got him \u00e2\u20ac\u0153stuck,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and to say that he just wanted to let her know that he would be talking to B to try to determine what was going on with him and see if there was something he needed to address. Talk about shifting the triangle! He would give back to (A) the anxiety she\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d dumped on him, and he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d try to work on his relationship with (B) directly, rather than through (A). It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s always nice when you have a student who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a quick study! <\/p>\n
“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.” –Steven Wright<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" During a recent consultation I tried to help a minister work through some stuckness. He was stuck in what I call a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153binding triangle\u00e2\u20ac\u009d as a result of falling into the trap of the myth of confidentiality. A church member … Continue reading 
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