I’ve experienced the third instance in recent months of a classic pastoral triangle. It’s “classic” in the sense that it has all of the components of an “elegant” emotional process triangle: (1) it is generated by anxiety, (2) its source is family of origin relationships, (3) it is directed at the pastoral leader, (4) its content obfuscates emotional process, and, (5) it invites reactivity.
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Students in my online class have been studying about leadership in the congregation. From their reading (The Hidden Lives of Congregations) they are discussing some of the concepts addressed in the book: (1) the function of leadership is influence, (2) the importance of the leader as resident theologian, and (3) it takes 3-5 years for the pastoral leader to get to a place of influence that does not derive from his or her position.
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I received an interesting question about Bowen’s concept of self-differentiation. The question, an imaginative one, was “what if” some day scientists discovered a “differentiation gene.” It was fun to ponder, but, genes don’t work that way. More to the point, however, differentiation is a product of relationships in a system, the evidence of which is how one functions. If we were to go down the gene therapy route, or more specifically, the biological engineering route related to BFST, then a more likely focus would be how to lower anxiety. And we already have medication for that.
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One misunderstanding about basic concepts of Bowen Family Systems theory has to do with assigning value statements. For example, the notion that overfunctioning is “bad.” Overfunctioning, like other behaviors are not “bad” or “good,” they are merely functions, symptoms, or manifestations of emotional process played out in the way people relate to one another. This is why it’s more helpful to observe function in the system than it is to assign motives to people’s behaviors.
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A local church educator sent me this e-mail, a common dilemma: “I am in need of some real advice. I have a Sunday School teacher who is in her middle to late 20’s and has been teaching our senior high girls class for two years now, but is very distant from her class. Parents are now complaining to me that she spews out her opinions, but does not allow others to share theirs. The girls are disinterested and some have quit coming to class. There are other issues involved but this is the crux: how do you fire a volunteer without losing them totally?”
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Self-differentiation is all about functioning. One manifestation of the extent to which one is functioning in a self-differentiated manner is how well one can separate feeling from thinking. I recently consulted with a normally steady and effective staff person who found herself stuck on a particular issue. In this case she knew the right thing to do, and was able to quote the company guidelines that needed to direct her action, yet, she was second guessing herself.
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I recently read an online article along the lines of “10 Skills Every Man Should Have.” I was pleased that I had them all (although it’s been a while since I’ve had the need to weld anything). I wondered what a list of “50 Skills Every Pastoral Leader Needs to Have” would look like. Here’s my list:
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I’ve been observing several persons in the process of making decisions. Some of the decisions are personal in nature (quitting one job to take another, ending or starting a relationship, going back to school, moving). Others pertain to leaders making organizational or institutional decisions (dealing with employees, closing a program, dealing with a crisis). In only a few of those instances have I observed persons making quick and decisive choices from several options and then moving toward a new direction. Most people struggle through a long winding, angst-filled process of uncertainty and indecision before achieving resolution and finding direction. Most can’t identify their options, much less come up with new ones.
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These past few weeks I’ve had ocassion to be reminded of what my friend Margaret says about bringing about change in congregations, which is, ”Everything takes five years.” While that’s a bit tounge-in-cheek, it’s not far from the truth. Over the past four weeks I’ve had casual conversations with as many church leaders related to how long it takes to get things done in congregations. Each highlighted a different aspect of the dynamic.
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