Rick has been asking systems questions again lately. It may be time to start another compilation…
< <...If people only end up with those at the same level of dos, how can a person work to find other who are at a similar or same level as themselves...>>
This is an intriguing topic. I’m not sure that it is always interpreted correctly. As with many concepts in Bowen Systems Theory, this one seems to be taken as determinative or prescriptive, rather than merely descriptive of human relationship dynamics. All that to say, merely because the vagaries and happenstance of propinquity means most of us will naturally find affinity with someone at our own level of differentiation, it doesn’t necessarily follow that we should make that a goal.
Perhaps a more accurate approach is to say that we TEND TO be attracted to persons at our own level of differentiation. One would hope that if that person is a life partner, that we will work mutually to help each other mature and become better differentiated over time. I believe one common cause of separation happens when one partner moves toward maturity and differentiation while the other remains “the same.”
I imagine it’s not too difficult to find another person at one’s level of differentiation. After all, like attracts like: health attracts health, and dysfunction attracts dysfunction. And, the law of propinquity means we will travel in contexts and networks with persons who are within our range of maturity, class, interests, and differentiation. If that fails, one can always use an online matching service–they seem to be pretty good at matching “like” and “complimentary,” perhaps including differentiation of self. Although one must be cautious when it comes to romance, as in itself falling in love with another means one abandons differentiation to some extent, at least for a while.
When I began to work towards self-differentiation my last year of seminary my own first marriage began to suffer and finally ended in divorce and, years later, I finally remarried.
Early on in the process of discovery, there was change and resistance to that applied change, but so too emerged a newly discovered me, the much more real me. This work was not for the faint of heart and staying connected to my larger dysfunctional family has been a challenge to say the least. It was difficult to explain the change in me in a way that they could understand and accept to some extent. In fact, some resistance has been near cruel. But for those who loved me enough to give us each time and place for important conversations to take place, there has been better understanding. Sadly, others could not tolerate changes and would not even give opportunity for seeking understanding. (Worst case example: an elderly brother angrily remarked, “You’ve changed.” And later, “You are liberal and I hate you.” – please note that I am in no way equating being liberal with differentiation – just noting how strongly resistant some were to change)
As a result of all of that (begun 2001 or so) both my ex-wife and I received professional help along the way (first me and, years later, she) and each of us continued to have interest in becoming more and more self-differentiated. For me to observe that in her years later made some of the pain and challenge so worth it! When she began getting help and slowly had scales removed from her own eyes and shared some of those insights with me tears of joy for her came to my eyes! Finally some real observable systemic change!
Today, in spite of what I would call a good divorce, she and I remain friends and stay connected – albeit not in a fused kind of way anymore. Similarly, as my wife’ sister has observed and experienced positive changes in my ex wife, she too began to examine her life and seems to have found help find help and a life never before experienced.
As to my own present life partner and beloved wife, I feel that I married well (beyond my own level of differentiation). Meaning, she is a fairly differentiated person, someone who complements me well and gives me space to grow…old tendencies are never far off for me and knowing this is helpful for both of us…and this has taken lots and lots of determination and consistency. Hardest but, most rewarding, thing I have ever done! Family Systems Theory – the gift that has kept on giving! So thankful for all of my seminary community and, especially, Israel Galindo, who first presented the Theory to me, and reinforced that in other courses before i left seminary. Many, many thanks my friend!
–MTB.
Thank you for sharing your journey, Michael. Most generous of you.