Rick asks about separation and differentiation

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from Rick, who always asks interesting “systems questions.” Today he asked: “I was just wondering what steps people can take to not be guided by the emotional programming they have acquired from their family of
origin. How does one learn to separate oneself from this programming?”

That’s a tall order, but then, it describes well the work of differentiation, doesn’t it?

I made a stab at delineating “steps” for Rick, since he framed the question that way (though more accurately, it’s a process):

1. Reach an age that facilitates differentiated growth (a three-year-old can’t do it; a sixteen-year-old tries to do it; a twenty-something must do it)
2. Leave home for a spell, but call your mom regularly and ask your dad for advice on things
3. Reframe your thinking and perspective on self, family, faith, and life in general while you’re away
4. Gain some maturational experiences that will allow you to define self apart from your family of origin, “own” your own faith, and be your own person
5. Return home
6. Renegotiate your “place” in your family of origin. Change your functioning and position in the system as appropriate
7. Leave home again, but stay connected. Call your mother, but stop asking dad for advice.

Following the steps are relatively easy—process is the hard part.

Creepy art for today