Pietist, Conservative, Fundamentalist

I grew up among ethnic pietistic Baptists who tended to emphasize the emotional and personal aspects of religion over against the liturgical, Traditional, and ecumenical. It was a simple faith that retains enough charm so as not to be off-putting, though I can only take it in small doses nowadays. While conservative in its theological orientation it was not fundamentalist, but there was enough of an influence from the popular fundamentalist milieu and networks so as to leave me with an ability to recognize the language and mentality when I came across it.

I recently had the chance to spend time with a nice group of fundamentalist brethren. They were not of the strident variety, and they were gracious enough to take me at my word about my religious confession and didn’t try to convert me or save my reprobate soul (which can likely stand some saving if we’re honest about it). But I must admit that I found myself a stranger in a strange land with a real sense of culture shock. So much so that it brought to mind an old list titled “You might be becoming too fundamentalist if…”

You pronounce “sin” with two syllables.
You think hair tonic is Biblical.
You find June Cleaver attractive.
You pronounce it “Bab-tist.”
You say “Gosh Darn.”
You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy.
You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
You can trace Saddam Hussein’s genealogy to Nebuchadnezzar.
You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
You wish you could preach like Joel Olsteen.
You know that unscrambling “Santa” is “Satan.”
You exchange any currency that has three 6′s in a row.
You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
You think that bar codes are demonic.
You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan’s Service.
You found back-masking on Amy Grant’s albums.
You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
You think Victoria’s Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.
You know the writing on the Statue of Liberty’s tablet was put there by a Mason, in an Illuminati conspiracy.
You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
You think movies are a tool of the devil.
You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.
You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.
You think Jesus is liberal.
You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
You call Israel “the Holy Land.”
You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments …but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
You pronounce “repent” as “rheeeee-paint!”
You say Amen more than once an hour.
You pray so long your food gets cold.
You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase… you’d get a tattoo, but they’re tools of the devil.
Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.
You have your name stamped on your 10+ Bibles.
You know four Greek words for love and their different usages.
You name your children after the apostles.
You become an Amway dealer to evangelize in disguise.
You actually like being an Amway dealer.