The Pushy Parent

I receive an e-mail from a church staff member about that perennial problem: the pushy parent. It comes in all forms. Parents want allowances or exceptions for their “special” child, their “superior” child, or their “tender” child. They want the child advanced a grade, put in the “smart” class, held back a grade, or, put into the same group with their “special little friends.” Once, when I was a school principle a parent insisted on us putting her twin daughters in the same class all through grade school—and, requested that they always sit next to each other. There was no thought about encouraging individuation on the part of that mom!

The staff member shared a case in which a mother wanted to keep her child, a kindergartener, in a younger Sunday School class, and, also keep her child with the younger children during the worship service afterward. This church includes kindergarteners in the worship service for the full hour.

I was gratified that the staff person gave attention to the developmental welfare of the child, and, to his commitment to the integrity of the program. That’s always a balancing act. Sometimes, you have to weigh one against the other.

This is a common scenario. Most congregational program staff will face it every now and again–it always comes around. Below is part of my response to the staff person:

A couple of thoughts first. I’ll challenge to think whether this is an educational issue, a church dynamic issue, or a congregational member issue. Certainly, it can be all of those things, but I find it helpful to identify what it is at heart. If I can do that I can discern the best way to approach it, and also, avoid approaching it from a perspective that will not address the problem. So, first question: what’s this all about?

Here are some of my thoughts, in general, that I hope will help you address the issue in particular:

I see you are doing a good job of educating the parents about your church’s approach to education and worship. Keep that up. The more we do that, and the more effective we are about it, the more it tends to mitigate situations like the one you describe. In your parent education remember that you are addressing two issues: (1) you need to “educate” the parents (developmental issues, faith development issues, church community practices and values, and your church programming), and, (2) addressing the anxiety issues of the parents. One is rational, one is not. Do not confuse the one for the other and address both. Keep working at making this component more effective. It should be a set part of your church’s curriculum for parents.

My own rule of thumb for most congregations is that the time to push full attendance (and participation) in corporate worship is when the child is in first grade. Ideally, I’m with you that there is room for younger children to be in corporate worship, but there are some pragmatic issues we need to address. For one thing, there is a big advantage in waiting till children are “readers” for fuller participation in the corporate worship setting. Let’s face it, most of our congregational worship is adult-oriented and adult-focused. And while I believe that young children as well-capable of being formed in their faith though the experience of corporate worship, and very capable of appreciating and participating at their level, let’s just confess that we’ve just not designed our corporate worship for them—that’s our fault, so we shouldn’t penalize the younger children.

Again, ideally, I’d say include children as young as four in the corporate worship service. With cultivation, you can work at including the K-5 children in corporate worship. But then the worship leaders (pastor, staff, lay leaders) need to be intentional about shaping the corporate worship experience to accommodate, respect, and address the matter of having a multigenerational worshipping community. (A good resource to read about this, and perhaps use to educate pastor and staff is, Howard Vanderwell (ed),. The Church of All Ages: Generations Worshipping Together (Alban, 2008)).

Some emotional process issues. I think that one danger in this scenario, and similar ones, is getting into a battle of wills with the parents. Avoid getting triangled in with the parent, the child, and whatever issue the parent is dealing with and is trying to pull you in on (anxiety issues related to the child, etc., etc.). In these situations I’ve finally settled on this approach: Like you, I’ve listened to the parent, ask for clarification about the request and the issue (ask lots of dumb questions and clarification questions). Then I offer information about (1) how our church does it and why, and (2) my recommendation. Then, I ask the parent to decide what she/he thinks is best for the child in this situation. Whatever the parent(s) decide, I say, “O.k., how about we try that for a couple of months and see if it works for [child’s name]?” (That helps make it about the child, and not about me or the parent, or, about the parent and me).

At that point, parents will agree (I’ve never had one refuse—after all, they’ve gotten what they wanted, they were “heard”, and, they got to make a decision about their child). The parent’s decision may not be what I think best or wanted, but the issue here is that we give responsibility back to the parent about their child. I’m o.k., with the parent making a mistake, but I’ll also be available to help them correct it.

If the bad decision results in the child disrupting a class or not being able to get along with other children (because the child is too young or too old), then you’ve got that “couple of months” trial period to get back to the parent and say, “This isn’t working,” and work at another solution (usually, it’s your original recommendation). I’ve found that by that point they are more ready to listen to you because (1) you took the time to listen to them, (2) empowered them to make a decision for their child, (3) didn’t format the relationship as a battle-of-wills, and (4) the situation they created has gotten worse and they want help or rescue.

• What are your thoughts on this issue?
• How do you deal with pushy parents?
• What advice would you give this staff person?
• How you handle the issue about children and worship in your church?